There's a reason

There's a reason I don't own a gun.
I've been so stressed and anxious.
I'm putting stuff up for sale - ebay, craigslist, etc. and the apartment's looking really, really empty.
I've already sold off some of the big things that make me "me" the last time I was unemployed. The telescope. The atari. Bunch of models, and I'm looking at selling the rest of those off. The dragons.

Looking at selling off the rest of the models, the airbursh and compresor. Mom's nightstand.

I don't know what I'll be left with. Or if it's worse that none of it sells.
Waiting for some word back on jobs, I'm applying all over the place.
Somehow, I have to get money for rent - and start worrying about next month. Plus the overdue power bill. Plus, now, phone, internet... I dont' have the money.

There's so much I wish I could do, but I just never have the money. Never have had.

And to have my brother act like, well, things are tough... don't fucking tell me that with your new-car-every-year, motorcycles and ATVs, camper, etc. All your "toys." No, I don't expect him to sell them off, even if I would if I had them. I have nothing. But just the attitude is...

I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm scared. And I'm glad I don't have a gun, because I'm afraid I'd have used it already. I just can't handle this.

I don't know what to do.