Ugh. It's 1:30 in the morning, I'm updating my resume.

I forgot what a royal pain doing this was. It's been a while, but I'm using some "life experience" from caring for my wife on here, too. I hadn't thought about it before, thinking I'd have this big gap in my employment (I haven't "worked" for 18 months, almost 19 now.) Yet, looking at what I've had to do with her, I've essentially been doing low-level management stuff.

Cool... now if that just comes across on the resume.

I don't have every little job here and there on it - I don't want to write a book, or put every two week temp job or whatnot on the resume. Just the highlights.

It's the 30th - last day to vote over at Modeling Madness, so maybe after this I can put my three Hawks up on my OTHER web page finally, which has really been hurting for updates. Of course, I've been hurting for a decent hobby shop, and modeling supplies, and money, and time, and sanity too...

You know, my wife keeps talking about not wanting to let me go, even though she (and her mother) brought up how stressed I've been getting because of having to care for her. (Yay, run on sentence.) See, she has MS. I've been trying to care for her, though it hasn't been... well, easy, true. We found out she had MS, but it didn't really "affect" us at first. She had some balance issues and things, no big deal. She started on Avonex, and because there was no work here, I left for my home state of Wisconsin.

Well, I came back here six months or so later because she'd started to have seizures. I gave up a job (temp, but still, wiping down bikes after being glued together at Trek for $9/hour wasn't bad.... 3 AM was bad, but $9 an hour wasn't .) Gave up a decent size apartment (used to be a storefront, very LONG apartment, $525/mo.) And drove back on the tail end of a winter storm (so much fun in the mountains) to here, Oregon, to care for her.

Hell, I didn't know if she'd even be alive this long, given how her seizures were at the time.

That was 18 months ago. I haven't held a job since then. We've fought to get her disability, to pay for an apartment for me for a year (no room at her mother's place, which is where I am now.) And a lot of stress... to the point where it's affected me, both physically and mentally.

They noticed, sat me down, and talked to me. Leah feels bad (as usual - hate to say that, but it's true) and thinks it's her fault I'm so stressed. No, it's not, I made the choice to come back here, after all... She feels sort of lost, since we'll be divorcing (to help her with the government, and for my health, essentially) - I cant' say I blame her, I'll feel the same way. I have one thing going on she doesn't seem to, though - I feel like a failure, like I couldn't cut it, like I couldn't be what I needed to be for her...

Not for lack of trying, mind you.

And now she's talking to an old boyfriend. Her first boyfriend, apparently, who we found when someone else replied to an ad I put in the paper to take a pile (BIG pile) of old Macs off my hands. Turns out the person who replied is the ex's brother. They never broke up, he joined the navy or something, then just disappeared after two letters. They're talking a lot now... sometimes 8 hours a day (online.)

Not sure how I feel about that at the moment. On the one hand, I've never been *jealous.* And she's going to need someone to talk to when we're finally divorced. On the other hand, we're not divorced *yet.* And he told her he never fell OUT of love with her - that that fact, actually, helped end his marriage.

Yay. And sometimes I feel she's hiding something... I don' tknow. He's not around, it's not like she's fooling around on me or anything. I just... Idunno.

Kit noews - working on a Lindberg P6E Hawk. Wish I'd known how the interplanestruts were supposed to go. Started to hate this kit.. tried trimming stuff to fit, didn't quite work, because the struts weren't lined up right. Now that they are, the struts are too short... and don't even talk to me about rigging it. Ugh. Not fun.

God, I love Windows. No, really.

Only decent power we get in this area of the house comes from an extension cord from the other room. Seems the cats have managed to run over and yank the cord - not so it's completely out, but partway there... So, I'd be sitting at the computer, doing whatever, and it'd work. Walk past, down the stairs (shaking the floor a little - it's not a stable house,) come back and... WTF, the computer's off? Turn it on, work on it, go to the bathroom... it's off. Reboot, go into Linux to see if it's just something in Windows. Well, that's working... head out to make dinner. Come back, it's off. Play with APM settings. Doesn't help.. but it does screw up Windows. And since this thing's running XP, well...

New install. Wipe out Linux (which I barely use, no time to learn or figure out its quirks at the moment) so I have a fresh partition and can save the data on the old one. Wife complains that she's losing network connections about the same time (through a hub.) Great... power problem. Plug the plug back in, everything's happy... except me, who now has to do a 35 minute install. Plus, since this is the second time in 30 days I've had to reinstall, I get to sit on hold with Microsoft to activate Windows. Yay. (Can't complain, it was a quick call. Still, activation still strikes me as a bit... well, of a pain.)

Anyway. So now I'm back up and running, at least. And on the Great Driver Hunt again.

Think my next system will be at *least* an eMac. I really want to play with OS X, and I've liked Macs for a long time... I have some older ones around (Quadra-era) and have a blast with them, but you really dont' want to try to get online with 'em, you know? Whenever I get that, email's going over there (virus? Ha!) as well as most website stuff. Games? eMac when possible, PC otherwise. Yeah, I'll keep running both.

Ugh.

Just had a tooth pulled. Thanks to massive cuts at the Oregon Health Plan, it's not covered by insurance. Have to figure out a way to get $180. And I just found that someone (bet it's one of the credit card companies that's been calling my wife to give her a new card) tried to make a $250 or so withdrawl... which obviously bounced...

Rrrrrrgh.... I hate this....

Plus, I'm hungry, can't eat for a bit, when I *can* it has to be liquid... friggin' tooth.

Little addendum here.

Looking at my last two entries, one might get the idea I'm anti-Christian. I'm not. I do have a problem with extremists, with those who would use religion to take over and force things to be *their* way.

I've met a few true Christians in my time. Robertson and his ilk are pretenders. I've met witches, atheists, and other decidedly non-Christians who are more Christian than his type.

But his type gets the press. And it's bad for not just Christianity's image, but for religious growth in general.

You know, this whole weblogging thing (OK, OK, Blogging) could make me quite lazy about the rest of the site... Maybe not, but life's a mess right now.

Have you heard Pat Robertson complaining about the Supreme Court? First they uphold privacy in the bedroom (suprising itself, given the way things are going in this country today,) then there's the removal of a mural of Moses and the 10 commandments from a courthouse. By court order. That just has him steamed.

Funny thing is, know how they got it IN there? Someone snuck it in in the middle of the night. If you think you have to do that, maybe you should think about if what you're doing is right.

Now, Robertson wants people to go through and pray through their town - what was once called "beating the bounds," claiming streets and such for God. Um, excuse me, I'll make my OWN decision on that, thank you very much, I don't need a religious mafia doing it for me (or to me.) He also wants his viewers/supporters/suckers to pray that three of the justices get "convinced" to retire. Didn't name them by name, but did spell out who they were. Obviously he wants them replaced by judges more to HIS liking, who will drag the US back to the 18th century. Sorry, Pat-boy, I don't want to live in a theocracy.

What really kicks me is this - what he's pushing his listeners/viewers to do is essentially black magic. The forcing of someone else's will, one way or another. The claiming of power not his. The Wiccans won't do that, other neo-Pagans won't do that... but he has the audacity to claim he SHOULD in God's name.

Kinda wish God would have a word or two with him. Actually, I kinda wish the big guy would smack Pat right upside the head and say "Knock it off, that's not what it's all about."

If you pray, pray instead that we'll maintain a balanced court, one with justice and equality and the LAW first and foremost, one that will hold itself above politics, though politcs does push itself into it with selection of judges. We don't need a religious court. Didn't we just pull something like that out of power in Afghanistan? Isn't it part of our beef with Iran?

Freedom. Love it, defend it. Fight so you don't lose it. Pay attention.

Why is it that Christianity seems so... schizophrenic?

No, hear me out. On the one hand, we have people who live a very Christian life. They love others, they are peaceful people. They may preach, but they don't push. They accept the "sinner" and/or "unbeliever," without taking an "us vs them" attitude.

Then there are the others... also "christian." But if YOU aren't, or are the "wrong kind" (Catholic/orthodox/Baptist/Mormon,) you're the scum of the earth and deserve to go to Hell. They often can't give answers other than quotes out of the Bible (that normally just are used to condemn you.. but no, they're not judging.) They end up wanting to control everyone and everything. Sorry, folks, not only are you not Christian, but you're giving those who ARE a bad name.

Strangely enough, many of those I find living and acting the most Christian... aren't. They're atheist, agnostic, or pagan. Yet they care for others, do what they can for others and for the planet, actually seem to care for those around them without judging, without pressuring. There's a reason I've been finding more and more gays, victims of abuse and other "misfits" in these groups - they're accepted for who they are.

in addition, the pagans, at least, have an advantage. They cannot say "The devil made me do it." Their beliefs, from all I've seen and learn, push responsibility for one's own actions (in terms of karma or otherwise) onto... yourself. Very unpopular these days, I suppose, but - so what. It makes sense. Parents, your kids aren't screwed up from playing video games - maybe you should have spent more time with them instead of scheduling more activities. (Just as a for instance.)

The high-pressure Christians, the "holier than thou" group, needs to take a break from finding Satan everywhere from Harry Potter to french fries, step back, and look at what they're doing to the religion and to others.

OK, now that that's up and running, we should see more content here - at least in the rants.

See, a lot is going on right now. I'm getting ready to move. And divorce my wife of nearly 5 years. And I don't like any of it.
Most of what's going on can be found on her site, Frayedwire's Humble Abode. It goes through a LOT of what we've dealt with in the past several years.

Now, for me, I haven't worked in a year and a half. Rich? Me? Yeah, right. I'm nearly at the point where I need to sell this computer. There are NO jobs in this area. I say that to some (bill collectors, especially) and get a "Well, it's tough all over." No shit. But, no, it's not "all over," it's "5 two week long temp jobs at Wal-mart, 60+ people signing up, and no luck - just like the other 17 months."

I build computers. I do tech support (though I shouldn't do so any more, I no longer have the temperment for some of the idiots out there... "Why doesn't the computer come on? You didn't TELL me I needed to turn the screen thing on too!" Wish I were kidding...) I'd love to go back to ITT to go through their networking and webmaster courses - of course, you need money for that, which I don't have. Can't get a student loan - I haven't made enough money to pay my LAST one off.

Or any money, for that matter.

Which adds to the stress, yes. My wife is disabled. She needs someone around 24-7. I gave up a career to care for her. I gave up an apartment in Wisconsin, near my family, because she started having seizures - so instead of her moving out there, I moved back here to CFB (Coos F*cking Bay,) Oregon.

And it's gotten to the point where we have to divorce - not for lack of love, but because it's literally going to kill me at the rate I'm going. Highly stressed, affecting my health...

Hate to say that. But it's better to do it now, while we're still friends, I suppose. At least we don't have children to worry about. We wanted some, but... well, the miscarriage she had while we still lived in Florida (3 years? 4?) ago was a blessing in disguise, I suppose. I don't know how we'd have been able to care for a child with her going to the hospital as much as she had for a while.

Still, I hate to see this end.

I was going to move back to Wisconsin... but with the lack of money and noplace there to stay, it doesn't look like that's going to happen just yet. I'm probably making a 1-2 year stay in Portland at this point. Don't really like the city itself much, but we have a LOT of friends there. We'll see what happens.

Quick test here.

Since I really don't want to bother much with HTML when I have something to rant about, I'm adding a weblog to the site. We'll see how this works.