Late Christmas present. I love you, Dad.

I think I mentioned before that my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and that I went home to be with my family and see him and my mom before he went. The cancer was spreading very fast through his body - the doctor, to his credit, was very blunt with my dad about what was going to happen, that he had to prepare himself to die.

My dad's getting ready to go now. He's been (depending on who you ask) hallucinating or seeing angels/spirits, as well as slipping between lucidity and old memories (like Korea.)

My sister and one of my brothers are down there, my other brother's heading down. My dad doesn't think he's going to survive the weekend.

In a way, I hope he doesn't. He's ready to go - he's even been asking why death is taking so long to get to him, and why he has to wait. I just want him to be at peace, to be able to rest, and for my mom and the rest of my family to be able to move on.

As odd as this next bit sounds, my dad deserves death. Not in a bad way - this is not "I hate my dad" or "justice," this is more a case of a wonderful man, loving husband and awesome dad who has lived a full life, done a great job raising his family, and has nothing left to regret, nothing left undone, and truly deserves his rest. If there's a heaven - even if the afterlife is just made up for each one of us - he deserves his place there.

I can't go down to see him - one cross country trip was hard enough to get done, we can't afford two - yet I don't need to. Everything was said over Thanksgiving. He knows I'm proud of him, that I love him, and he said the same to me. To all of us.

Yet I still have to say, once more - I love you, Dad. Thank you for not dying on Christmas. Just hold on for Craig to get there, so he can say goodbye as well - that's the only reason I have to hope you linger just a little longer. After that - as the poet said - may flights of angels speed you on your way. You can go, surrounded by the love of your family, by the satisfaction of knowing you raised us properly, by knowing you did make the world better.

When you go, go in peace and love.

So this is Christmas...

... and what have you done? (Name that tune...)

I called my folks - well, my mom, actually. She thought my dad, who has terminal cancer, died yesterday. False alarm. Says he's been hallucinating (seeing angels, among other things.) I actually called yesterday when I found out about all this, but it was 7:30 my time, so it was late late there (for them, at least - 10:30.)

Me, I'm not upset about this. I understand her being upset, and having nearly lost my wife before, I can understand - but dad's had a good life, raised us right, and has no regrets. I'd rather see him go now, than sit in a nursing home 10 years from now waiting to die.

Still, I think (as does my wife) that he's deliberately holding on 'til after Christmas. Heck of a present, that. He's calmer now, as is my mom. The calls seem to be helping.

Other than that, not much going on. Don't get to go down and visit my wife this weekend, as I have today off. Period. Oh well, there's always next weekend - when I have an *actual* weekend.

Last few, holiday-related thoughts -
1. Do reindeer fly - Yes, for kids, as long as they believe they do.

2. Should an adult believe in Santa Claus - Yep. Not as a person, perhaps, but the thought and spirit of giving and of cheer that we've tended to personify in ol' Nick there is worth keeping alive - year round, in fact. Besides, it's part of the fun of Christmas ("Yep, Santa must have brought you that headband with reindeer antlers. I'd never do such a thing.")

3. How about kids? Perpetuate the myth? Damn right. Use him to teach giving - not "behave for a reward." We're talking Santa, not Pavlov.

Didn't get much this year, but I don't care. I enjoyed what I got, and got to go nuts buying gifts for people, which *is* the thrill for me (seeing their reactions and seeing them enjoy the gifts.) It's also why I hate forgetting birthdays. Yeah, sure, I go overboard (Inuyasha, season 1, $75?) but the money doesn't matter if the person really likes it. Not that I'm rich... but that doesn't matter either.

Merry Christmas, happy Yule, happy holidays everyone.

Said I'd update this more often.

Yep, that I did.

So here's an update.

OK, sure, there has to be more than that - I suppose. But when your news consists of "My bedroom is hosed because I'm cleaning out the closet" (true) how much excitement can you expect?

Frankly, blogging seems to require a bit of vanity I just don't have, the bit that says YES, people want to read about your life. Yet I'm doing it anyway.

Work today - meh. Slow. Quiet. Just fine. If only people named shibiyabosha mahatmanana would speak more slowly and/or get their phones fixed before calling. And actually realize that we poor ol' Americans, used to names like Joe and Tim, actually need them to *spell* their names....

Semi-current me 

Pictures and memories

Well, I started cleaning out my closet today. Lots of boxes and, frankly, lots of crap. Among the crap, though, were some pictures. Actually, quite a few pictures.

Some from high school, including my parents at the house w/me in my graduation cap and gown. Cool. Instant scanning material - that and the prom pic of me and Gidget, which - though I have another one scanned, is in better shape - having been on the keychain picture holder thing from Prom as well.

Some from a bit later, too - my first visit to Oregon to see Leah, us getting married in Florida, her trying out a friend's wedding dress (which she never got to wear - something I regret, as she's quite beautiful in it) and one or two from our apartment in Florida.

From the days when she was healthy. Maybe not wealthy - we haven't gotten there yet - and we're sure wiser now than we were then, only six years ago. In any case, three things came to mind looking at these:

1. My family has a problem with getting their fingers in front of camera lenses. It's not just me. And I'm better at NOT doing it now.

2. I really, really love my wife. And miss her.

3. I also miss having hair.

Been a while.

Wow. It's been a while since I've put anything down here.

I've been working in technical support for Supra (not the modem/video card/etc company, a different one.) and realize, once more, that I really do NOT like my job. I have to figure out what I want to do and get to doing it already.

So, this is a bit of self evaluation, I suppose.
What DO I like about the job:
- Internet access. Plenty to read on archaeology, space, etc.
- Some of the people I work with.
- Getting paid.

Yeah, that's about it.

What don't I like:
- Dealing with people calling in for support who either refuse to listen, argue, or shouldn't have anything more technologically advanced than an Etch-a-sketch.
- The constantly shifting schedule (yep, late again Saturday. Why? 7:30 start time all week... except Saturday, which was set to 6:30. Next week, 5:30. Shifting schedules suck.)(
- Lack of anywhere to advance to. Yeah, become a lead. Woohoo. I don't have the training for engineering, don't want to move to manufacturing (physical labor for less money,) and suck at sales.
- The WHINING of people who (a) want us to do things we can't do (no, I *can't* reactivate your account, you owe your association money,) (b) think taking three seconds to plug in their device so it charges and updates is UNFAAAAAAIR and they shouldnt' HAVE to do that - even though they're talking on a cell, which ALSO needs charging, and they make more money with one sale than I do all FUCKING MONTH...

I don't want to work with people. OR talk with people. People, in general, suck.

So, what would I like to do?

- Work at home. Screw the commute.
- Research. I love to read, dig into things, do beta testing, that sort of thing.
- Beta test. Let me try to break things. I've beta tested software before....
- Write. Yeah, I've thought about this. Though it'd probably be a computer (ish) book.
- Work with hardware. Put together PCs. Install home networks (though that'd involve dealing with people.)
- Be able to get out and go drive around as desired or needed.
- Be able to be with my wife. Gee, work = not being home = can't take care of wife who needs it.

I guess that's a career of "Win the lottery and hang out at home."

What's holding me back?

- Money. I have none to live off of while starting a home business (doing *what?*)

- Education. I have experience - in tech support. I can make basic web pages (having done so for commission once, I don't want to do that for a living.) I have an A+ and a degree (associates) in Drafting. Ooh. That and $2 will get me some coffee. Which, by the way, I rarely drink.

- Weight. I've had too many fucking sit down jobs, and not enough exercise. I'm actually too *heavy* to work for the cable company as an installer (for instance.) Working on thsi anyway, as I used to walk every day, ride a bike, etc. and frankly I miss it. Stopping "nibbling" and *seriously* cutting back on soda and junk food is about what I've done so far, though...think I've been to McDonalds twice in the last month, which is an improvement. I need to be able to get out more. I could lose half of me and be perfectly healthy.

And of course, what do I not want to do:
- Support / customer service. It sucks.
- Sales. I suck at sales. Tried it. I suck.
- Labor. No thanks. Did that a decade ago. Too much work and pain for not enough pay.
- Talk to people. Seriously.

So, that's what I have to work with.... now I just have to figure out what to do with it.