Friends part deux

Well, well.

I called Julie. Actually, I called her parents first - surprisingly, her mom remembered me. How, I don't know - she wasn't annoyed, so I guess I wasn't a nuisence in high school :) though she only met me "in person" once.

Got her phone number, anyway, and talked with her. You know, it *still* surprises me at times how happy Julie seems to be to talk to me. Yet, honestly, she's one of the anchors in my life, has been from time to time. I think I can honestly say I'd be a different person had we not been friends. Vastly different.

Anyway, she's got a kid now. You would not believe how happy that makes me! And it's not my kid, no (otherwise, *damn* I'm good, given I haven't seen her in person for years and we've never had *that* kind of relationship!) It sounds corny - even did when I said it to her - but I'm glad to know there's a "little Julie" growing up for the next generation. If she's anything like her mom, someone's going to make a difference in the world. Maybe not newsmaking, earth-shattering - but she'll be there for someone, and that alone may just save someone's life.

Yeah, I admit that, Jules *just being honest and a friend,* as good of one as she was, kept me turned away from that deep of a depression on occasion in high school. Her having a daughter means the world *will* be just that much brighter a little longer.

Am I gushing? Maybe. But it's true, IMHO. Hell, I'd go so far to say that bin Laden and his ilk do their damndest to inspire fear and hate - yet the Julies of the world quietly go about making it brighter despite those like him. He's lost already.

I know, I'm gushing all over about Julie, while I'm married - nothing against my wife, obviously! I love her dearly. But I've been friends with Julie longer than I've known Leah was alive - hell, longer than I'd really cared one way or another where Oregon was. Just the way it goes. I've known her over half my life.

Thanks, Jules. You really *have* made life more than bearable.

Old friends

One of the things that's been coming up more and more in my thoughts is how much I miss my old friends.

OK, I wasn't the most popular guy in high school. (Wasn't the least either, but...) I had a few people I considered very good friends, who I'd trust with... pretty much anything. I haven't seen most of them in at least a decade.

Erik Kinservik - incredible drummer, hyperintelligent... what more can I say other than he really *was* a great friend. He would be able to give you reasonable opinions - and wasn't afraid to tell you "Man, you're an idiot." Of course, other times (*cough*gidgetbreakup*cough*) he knew he had to let you ramble a bit... He had the people skills, he seemed to be able to learn anything he wanted to. Last I read (finding his resume online was a surprise) - he had been doing engineering, some management, nothing surprising...

Julie Brost... Yes, I know... the person (gorgeous and smart, what a combo) who put up with me and a seeming constant crush through high school. Yet you were still a friend. One of the best things you ever told me was, as far as people talking about me hanging around you, "I don't care what they think." Outside of wanting to fall to the ground and worship you at that point, I never knew what to make of it - except that you were a very special woman. Last we'd talked - when I was in WI, as I recall - you'd gotten married (lucky guy) to Kelly ("Yes, it's a guy, I haven't changed that much!") and were buying a house. I can only keep hoping life has been, is, and will be wonderful - if anyone ever deserves it, it's you...

Troy Hughes - man, where are you? The world needs that cockeyed grin and "what the hell" attitude.

John Wiley - OK, you moved away before high school. Last I heard, you were in the Navy, heading for Japan. I knew ya since Kindergarten... what ever happened to you, oh master troublemaker?

Diana - Gorgeous smile, sparkling personality and - not surprisingly, given the company on this blog entry - intelligent... now dealing with the same thing my wife is, the ravages of Multiple Sclerosis. If anyone *didn't* deserve that, it's you... another person who didn't mind if I hung around on occasion. Didn't do enough of it, though...

Geni Nemeth - yeah, I should have made sure that one lady heard me say I'd pay for your movie ticket. Someone else I regret never dating... if you would have gone along with it. Still... just like everyone else in this list, it seems, smart and beautiful.

How'd I end up around these folks? I couldn't tell ya. But they put up with me - welcomed me, accepted me as a friend... and you all still hold a dear place in my heart.

I miss you all.

Life?

I love my wife.

No, there's no surprise or qualifier there. I love my wife.

I do wonder what's going to happen to me, and to us, though. We've got more going on than usual - she's got MS, I'm in debt (partially because of trying to care for her) - I don't see retirement in 35 years, I no longer have a plan for my life... which is fine, I suppose. It's been thrown off so much...

I can't plan, though. I have friends out here on the west coast now - some of whom I'm staying with, because my wife and I have to be seperated so she can be cared for. Nothing bad, just government, bureaucratic bullshit. Me, I'd like to be back home in Wisconsin, seeing friends I've not seen in far too many years, with my own business... though I think I'd be single - alone is a much more fitting word in this case - if that's where I was.

I hate being torn. I hate the uncertainty my life has now, and will have for many years (short of winning the lottery.) The career I thought I'd have is gone. I couldn't draft my way out of a paper bag at the moment - and I am really getting sick of tech support. I worked on a website for a friend - I do NOT want to do that for a living.

So what DO I want to do? It's something I've been having to ask myself a few times over the last few years. I don't want to get stuck in the no-future, no-guarantee tech support world, where your job can be shipped to India right out from under you and you deal with thoroughly unappreciative, demanding people...

So, I have to reassess myself. I *would* like to have my own business, frankly. Yes, the taxes would be a pain in the ass, and I doubt I'd become a millionaire, but... I wouldn't mind.

I just don't know where to start.

Or how my wife, or the rest of my life, would fit in with this. Will I lose it again when my wife's condition (MS) gets worse? Will I be able to deal with it when she dies? Will I be able to deal with it when she *doesn't* die, but needs care even more than she does now?

I really don't know...

I hate not knowing. OK, nobody knows the future, but I hate not being able to say "Well, we can be reasonably sure things will go this way, with one or two major bumps possible in the next 5 years."

I don't know where I'll *be* in 5 years. I don't know if I'll be married, if Leah will be with me, what shape she'll be in...

How do I deal with this?