Nobody reads this, I rarely post it, so...
I don't know what to do. Job vanished, no savings - no time to build them back up after the last unemployment period earlier this year. Sure, I've had interviews, but.... rent's coming due, bills are past due...
I don't know what to do. I have nothing to offer. I have nothing really left to *sell.* Not that would be more than spitting in the ocean.
No response to the offer of renders. Nothing from the PC services on Craigslist - not even a nibble. No telling how long I'll have the phone or internet... I think they *can't* shut off power, but...
I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Wednesday, March 09, 2016
Ten years
Dear Leah,
Last Sunday, it was a decade since our divorce.
We didn't leave on good terms - I still don't know what happened there, where the only way to get a smile from you was to be in public, which happened rarely. I still suspect it was your mother's influence.
I came back, initialy, to fill out the paperwork and because we'd talked about me still being around to help you. That was the plan. Then you treated me like you did, and I left - losing most of what was in storage because I just couldn't be around that.
We talked, after a few short months while I was trying to find my feet, only to have our calls turn into demands from you for money - first asking,t hen demanding, as though you still had some right to it. I heard the calls afterward, asking why I wasn't answering, why I wouldn't talk to you and the "I don't know why" ... and maybe you didn't. But after you got to demands, well... we were divorced and ti was time to cut that off. I didn't need it. It was hard enough for me.
I fought for years, fought feeling like I'd failed, like I'd abandoned you. Fought anger against you and about you. And your mother. Missed you. Thought about looking you up, finding your number and calling... but no.
I found myself, those years, wondering many things. How much of things were true. I'd wanted kids, it sounded like you did too, and I found myself glad we'd never had them... though our first, had it come to term, would probably be ready to graduate high school by now.
I do, on occasion, still wonder how you are. We were married for years, it's natural. I wonder if you actually remember me - I don't know what shape your mind is in, given the various problems. Or how much what memories have been shaped by your mother. I wonder how true what you remember is And almost hope you don't remember, rather than have a whirl of tainted ones mixed with untruths.
I wonder if you went through the same things - the hurt, the hate, the wondering. And how you dealt with them.
But ten years on, Leah, I just hope you're well. And happy. You were my wife, my friend, and will always hold a special spot because of that.
Happy anniversary, such as it is. Live well.
-Eric
Last Sunday, it was a decade since our divorce.
We didn't leave on good terms - I still don't know what happened there, where the only way to get a smile from you was to be in public, which happened rarely. I still suspect it was your mother's influence.
I came back, initialy, to fill out the paperwork and because we'd talked about me still being around to help you. That was the plan. Then you treated me like you did, and I left - losing most of what was in storage because I just couldn't be around that.
We talked, after a few short months while I was trying to find my feet, only to have our calls turn into demands from you for money - first asking,t hen demanding, as though you still had some right to it. I heard the calls afterward, asking why I wasn't answering, why I wouldn't talk to you and the "I don't know why" ... and maybe you didn't. But after you got to demands, well... we were divorced and ti was time to cut that off. I didn't need it. It was hard enough for me.
I fought for years, fought feeling like I'd failed, like I'd abandoned you. Fought anger against you and about you. And your mother. Missed you. Thought about looking you up, finding your number and calling... but no.
I found myself, those years, wondering many things. How much of things were true. I'd wanted kids, it sounded like you did too, and I found myself glad we'd never had them... though our first, had it come to term, would probably be ready to graduate high school by now.
I do, on occasion, still wonder how you are. We were married for years, it's natural. I wonder if you actually remember me - I don't know what shape your mind is in, given the various problems. Or how much what memories have been shaped by your mother. I wonder how true what you remember is And almost hope you don't remember, rather than have a whirl of tainted ones mixed with untruths.
I wonder if you went through the same things - the hurt, the hate, the wondering. And how you dealt with them.
But ten years on, Leah, I just hope you're well. And happy. You were my wife, my friend, and will always hold a special spot because of that.
Happy anniversary, such as it is. Live well.
-Eric
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Where were you...
Wow, just over a year since I wrote anything on here.
I was watching a Netflix show (or show on netflix, I suppose) called Zero Hour - dealing with the time just before various events. One was on Columbine. I remember where I was then... sad that now it's like "oh, another school shooting."
Still, trying to think of events I was around for and where I was:
Reagan's shooting.
I don't actually remember.Though I would have heard about it on the news, and I was young enough I'd be at home in Oak creek. But I don't remember as far as a "What were you doing."
The murder of John Lennon.
This one I do remember, roughly. And there's a little bit of a story behind it. The church I was in as a kid was a fundamentalist (as in "anything newer than the King James is too liberal" level) baptist church. So I grew up with "Rocka nd roll is evil, the concerts are satanic rituals, the singers are priests and whores." (Seriously. If you can *borrow* it, read "Backward masking Unmasked." Don't' buy it. Don't' give those assholes any money.) I remember being in the basement of the house I grew up in. I remember being in the bathroom down there and just being *happy* John Lennon was dead, because he was such an "agent of Satan" and "a would-be antichrist."
Yeah. I'm not proud of that at all. Makes me sick to think of it these days.
Challenger disaster.
I was in middle school and a friend of mine said he saw the shuttle blow up in science class. My reaction was "yeah, right..." Then I got home from school and saw the video on the news. I just watched for a while and went to my room, hurting. I didn't know anyone on it, but I remember feeling like crying. And for some reason, saluting. (Yeah. Slightly weird kid.)
Columbine. (What started this train of thought.)
This, I remember. I was married and living in Florida. Leah (my wife at the time) and I were at a little - diner, I suppose - on 436, across from a bookstore, behind an officemax. And we saw that on the news and were just dumbfounded that anything like that could happen. Not here. It was just so out there we had a hard time picturing it - and felt horrible for the parents and families. But we just couldn't picture it.
9/11
I was married. I'd moved back to Wisconsin, because job hunting in coastal Oregon sucks. The plan was for me to get an apartment and job and bring Leah afterward... yeah, didn't happen. But I remember playing Diablo II (and being so proud of my great dialup connection.) I remember someone mentioning a plane hitting the world trade center, and we were talking about "No, no. Probably something like a Cessna. Wonder what happened to the pilot - heart attack or something?" Someone mentioned a suicide attack - specifically saying "kamikaze," and we started getting into a little discussion - then they said "Go watch the news." I actually had a TV then. Turned it on... the story was everywhere. And I remember watching it and seeing the second plane hit as the cameras rolled. Just standing in my "living room" in an apartment (former / current store/hotel/something, first floor... ti was a weird layout) in Johnson Creek, WI. I'd been working overnight at Walmart. For some reason I went back... like a need to tell someone. Or just be around people, i don't know.
Still there when the Patriot Act was being pushed through, and I remember being worried about it. And I remember watchign Colin Powell give his case for why we had to invade Iraq, and calling him a liar. (Well, his picture on the TV.) Though I was back in Oregon by that point.
George Harrison's death
Not only because of losing a great musician, but in contrast to Lennon. I was driving - part of me wants to think I was moving back to the Oregon Coast, or it was shortly after. It was night, it was raining, and I was just about to turn onto the road going over the bay bridge going into Coos Bay / North Bend that otherwise led from a friend/artist's house, and I heard it on the radio. I just remember being sad we'd never get anything new from him again and wondering how long we'd have the last two Beatles.
Barak Obama winning the presidency the first time:
Florida. Kitchen of the house in Mount Plymouth. Living with mom, trying to get on my feet after my divorce, trying to help her out. She'd gone to bed. I stayed up... and I remember being *extremely* happy with Obama being declared the winner. Partly because McCain/Palin would have been a disaster - and I say this having thought McCain would have been good a few years previously (and come on, *sarah palin* in any position of power? Ugh....) - and partly for the sake of history, with our first black president.
So. Those are the moments I really remember. (Well, other than the first.)
I was watching a Netflix show (or show on netflix, I suppose) called Zero Hour - dealing with the time just before various events. One was on Columbine. I remember where I was then... sad that now it's like "oh, another school shooting."
Still, trying to think of events I was around for and where I was:
Reagan's shooting.
I don't actually remember.Though I would have heard about it on the news, and I was young enough I'd be at home in Oak creek. But I don't remember as far as a "What were you doing."
The murder of John Lennon.
This one I do remember, roughly. And there's a little bit of a story behind it. The church I was in as a kid was a fundamentalist (as in "anything newer than the King James is too liberal" level) baptist church. So I grew up with "Rocka nd roll is evil, the concerts are satanic rituals, the singers are priests and whores." (Seriously. If you can *borrow* it, read "Backward masking Unmasked." Don't' buy it. Don't' give those assholes any money.) I remember being in the basement of the house I grew up in. I remember being in the bathroom down there and just being *happy* John Lennon was dead, because he was such an "agent of Satan" and "a would-be antichrist."
Yeah. I'm not proud of that at all. Makes me sick to think of it these days.
Challenger disaster.
I was in middle school and a friend of mine said he saw the shuttle blow up in science class. My reaction was "yeah, right..." Then I got home from school and saw the video on the news. I just watched for a while and went to my room, hurting. I didn't know anyone on it, but I remember feeling like crying. And for some reason, saluting. (Yeah. Slightly weird kid.)
Columbine. (What started this train of thought.)
This, I remember. I was married and living in Florida. Leah (my wife at the time) and I were at a little - diner, I suppose - on 436, across from a bookstore, behind an officemax. And we saw that on the news and were just dumbfounded that anything like that could happen. Not here. It was just so out there we had a hard time picturing it - and felt horrible for the parents and families. But we just couldn't picture it.
9/11
I was married. I'd moved back to Wisconsin, because job hunting in coastal Oregon sucks. The plan was for me to get an apartment and job and bring Leah afterward... yeah, didn't happen. But I remember playing Diablo II (and being so proud of my great dialup connection.) I remember someone mentioning a plane hitting the world trade center, and we were talking about "No, no. Probably something like a Cessna. Wonder what happened to the pilot - heart attack or something?" Someone mentioned a suicide attack - specifically saying "kamikaze," and we started getting into a little discussion - then they said "Go watch the news." I actually had a TV then. Turned it on... the story was everywhere. And I remember watching it and seeing the second plane hit as the cameras rolled. Just standing in my "living room" in an apartment (former / current store/hotel/something, first floor... ti was a weird layout) in Johnson Creek, WI. I'd been working overnight at Walmart. For some reason I went back... like a need to tell someone. Or just be around people, i don't know.
Still there when the Patriot Act was being pushed through, and I remember being worried about it. And I remember watchign Colin Powell give his case for why we had to invade Iraq, and calling him a liar. (Well, his picture on the TV.) Though I was back in Oregon by that point.
George Harrison's death
Not only because of losing a great musician, but in contrast to Lennon. I was driving - part of me wants to think I was moving back to the Oregon Coast, or it was shortly after. It was night, it was raining, and I was just about to turn onto the road going over the bay bridge going into Coos Bay / North Bend that otherwise led from a friend/artist's house, and I heard it on the radio. I just remember being sad we'd never get anything new from him again and wondering how long we'd have the last two Beatles.
Barak Obama winning the presidency the first time:
Florida. Kitchen of the house in Mount Plymouth. Living with mom, trying to get on my feet after my divorce, trying to help her out. She'd gone to bed. I stayed up... and I remember being *extremely* happy with Obama being declared the winner. Partly because McCain/Palin would have been a disaster - and I say this having thought McCain would have been good a few years previously (and come on, *sarah palin* in any position of power? Ugh....) - and partly for the sake of history, with our first black president.
So. Those are the moments I really remember. (Well, other than the first.)
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