Wow. Long time, no update

Yeah. Haven't been back here for a bit. Let's see, what's up.

- Haven't worked in months. This sucks. Lack of money. Blah. BUT...
- Have been playing City of Heroes. If you haven't played this, play it. And get City of Villains when it comes out, too. No increase in monthly fee for that. :)
- I seem to be in better shape. At the worst, I wasn't able to walk down to the damn mailbox and back without being sore... I can now.

OK, bigger stuff...
Going down to see the wife for our anniversary. We've lived apart for over two years now. Why are we even calling ourselves married? Moved up here because taking care of her was driving me in-fucking-sane with stress, lack of money, the works. Her mom's been taking care of her. The gub'mint (yeah, yeah) said I can't be paid to take care of her. We planned on divorcing.

Well, now, I can. get paid that is. And she wants me to move back to coos-fucking-bay. We'll just call it CFB for short. Know what's in CFB? Jack Shit. One mall that's half empty. No decent restaraunts. Two half-ass movie theaters. Ton of churches. Which are probably empty because most of the population is high on something (meth being the biggest industry there.) And she fucking wants me to move back, in her mom's house, take care of her, and get a fucking job THERE (of which there ARE none besides Walmart, and even that's hard to get because that's where the crackheads that aren't stealing everything get their meth fundage.)

The town is depressed. Not just economically. But you drive into fucking town and already just want to kill yourself.

Why the fuck does she want me to come down there and... STAY? Oh, did I mention their gas is typically 20 to 30 cents MORE per gallon than Eugene, or here? And their on a highway. Not theInterstate, but not something hard to get to. They get gouged. I'm surprised the fucking town can WALK being bent over and reamed on *everything* (not just gas) the way they are.

And to a techhead like me... fuck, no. The one actual "computer store" there gets reamed, and passes the reaming on to customers. Example, GeForce FX5200. Can get them for under $50. They want nearly $90. Saw a card I priced for between $75-$100 listed for OVER $250. As far as net access, ONE trunk coming out. It goes down (like it does about twice a year,) not only does the net access disappear, but banks and businesses can't do jack with things like, oh, credit cards, atm cards...

Y'know, we had THE PLAN. Get divorced, move, move back in, I get paid to care for her, her mom moves back east... The Plan is now hosed. I'm not sure I want to stay married... I don't *feel* married. I'm not interested in anyone else or anything like that, but... I've gotten used to being essentially single. Keep my hours. Talk to anyone. Go out when I want to do what I want, not skip a movie because flickering could put her into siezure, or it gets too warm, or she can't eat this or that or needs meds, or can't walk, or....

I know, I'm a fucking heartless bastard. No, I'm not. I finally HAVE myself again. I am my own person again. But how do I tell her we should split, that I don't *want* to give up my life again, that...

See, she's afraid of ending up alone, or in a home. I don't blame her. I don't want that for her *either.* All our friends (save 1-2) are up this way or north. We game. We talk. We hang out... and she wants to pull me away from that instead of her coming up and becoming part of the group again. *I* don't want to leave her alone. And truth be told, I'm horrid at meeting folks, and am frightened of ending up alone as well... but ...

I guess I just don't know what to do. One way means leaving everything and everyone BUT her and ... just losing myself again, becoming nobody, a golem to care for her. The other way means...what? I'm myself, but she's alone and probably depressed (a problem for her) - and I end up feeling like a bastard, and a failure, and guilty when she suicides (something she has tried in the past.)

Everything I want to say just ends up sounding selfish and petty... but if you haven't been here... Take food shopping now. I don't have a heck of a lot of money, but I can buy cheap. Bunch of TV dinners, just pick what looks good. Pizza or two. Just stuff. It looks good, I like it, I can eat it. Shopping with her? Well, she can't eat this. Or that. Allergic to that. That doesn't mix well with meds. That brand seems to cause problems. There are like five things that I can buy. Or take "life" right now. I can TAKE an hour-odd drive to see folks, hang out 'til 3 AM, drink if I'm not driving, crash there if I do drink, come back and crash at home otherwise 'til 2 in the afternoon... with her, I can't. She *has* to eat at certian times. She can't stay up late - no energy to. If she falls asleep at 9 or 10, well... kinda keeps her out of gaming. Half the time we don't get STARTED 'til 8 or later. Right now, I can decide "Oh, I need this or that," hop in the car and get it. With her I have to worry she'll need medical attention. I can be driving down the street and, if it gets warm, oh well, that's what a window's for. It causes her to go into siezures. I can decide to stop and buy, oh, Mexican for lunch. Drive home and stop somewhere along th eway because "ooh, want to check to see if book.magazine/video/game is in" and stay and browse.... with her, I can't.

Like I said, it sounds so selfish of me... but it's stuff like that that does make life, not just existance...

I just don't fucking know what to do any more.

Yeesh... *pant pant*

OK, the following should come as no surprise since:
(a) I'm a gamer,
(b) have worked in tech support for most of the last decade - all sit down work, and
(c) don't get out much these days,

but man, am I out of shape.

I used to walk to school every day. Granted, this ended 15 years ago with my graduation from high school, but still... It's currently 71 degrees (!) here in Salem, and I had to get out and enjoy it. There's no park I know of nearby (unlike the parks along Lake Michigan in WI,) but I wanted to see how far I could walk before starting to "feel it."

Now, this isn't a "cardio walk" or whatever those mega-arm-swinging, stilt-legged, rapid walks people do are called. No, this was a "use feet to go from point A to point B" walk. I think I made two, maybe three blocks before my back started hurting. Turn around, 1/3 of the way back, and my calves start complaining.

Damn, but I'm out of shape... time to really do something about that. Just need the time.

OK, admittedly that couple of blocks was after coming out, checking out the yard, taking a picture of one of the mountains in the distance, and having to walk around th ehouse to get to the street, but still - that's - round trip - maybe 1/3 of what I used to walk to school every day.

This just will not do.

Faith in my Fellow Gamer

Well, I spent today being completely unproductive - and I loved it.

Yes, I have one of those screwed up schedules that change weekly. So I had Thursday off. What to do on a Thursday - the day before payday? Hmmmm.... How about play online!

I picked up City of Heroes last week (given (a) it was the DVD edition with the first two expansions, (b) it was $20, and (c) you get a month free.) I've played it a little, getting my Mutant Tanker up to lvl 8 going mostly solo.

Today, I started playing around 8:30-9 AM. Stopped around 1 for lunch and to call my wife (maybe it was around 2,) and again around 6 for dinner. Other than that - I played for nearly 12 hours, and had a LOT of fun.

Yet, what about the title - faith in my fellow gamer? Well, since the 1337-733\|\s took over on Diablo and D2, which *were* what I used to play online (years ago,) I have not liked playing online - not unless I'm going with people I know (usually in person.) This steals part of the whole online experience - meeting people (sort of) and playing with them, seeing different play styles and builds and the like. It makes the game much less enjoyable. Prior to that, the main game I played online (this is dating myself) was NetMEch - Mechwarrior II online, and we had a *great* group (Clan Black Sheep) to play with.

Well, mix that with a monthly fee (on top of paying $50 for a game,) and I've given most MMORPGs a pass. Why would I want to pay for that sort of annoyance and frustration?

During the last few months, though, my (in person) gaming group had started playing Silver Age Sentinels - yes, no D&D, but a campy, fun superhero RPG. Unfortunately, due to some real life situations with two of our gamers (who live about an hour and change north of here,) we haven't been playing for a while. Oh, the southern group was playing (somewhat, with the holiday break and all) but - well, let's just say the itch to get back into Silver Age was very strong.

I spent $10 on Freedom Force - a squad-level RTS game, essentially, themewise similar (vaguely) to Myth. (No resource building, etc. just get your troops and go.) It's similar to Silver Age in feel - campy, 50-60's ish comic book, over the top uniforms, throwing cars to stop bad guys, that sort of thing, but it didn't really fill that need. (Don't get me wrong, it's a great game, and for $10 it's a *steal.*) So - City of Heroes it was. Hey, I have a month free, right?

How good is it? Well, let's just say sinc elast weekend, pretty much every moment I'm not sleeping, working, eating or in the bathroom, I'm playing this game. Yet, that doesn't explain the title on its own.

No, today restored my faith in my fellow gamer - specifically in my fellow gamer not being an ass. Today, I joined a team (temporary) and went cruising through a few areas I wouldn't have bothered trying on my own. First team? Awful -at least for me, being the lowest level on the group, and a tank as well. Then that team got trimmed down, and it was *great.* City of Heroes with a 3-4 person team is a great time.... It was true with the second team (which was down to two people, both lower level than me, and needing help.) We took on a number of (larger) bad-guy groups - all NPC these days, since City of Villains isn't out yet - and did better than expected. I tanked and beat on things, the Protector healed and occasionally drew out isolated enemies (so we didn't have to deal with large groups) and - I forget what class the third guy was - but they buffed, fought, and isolated enemies as well. We had a *really* good time, what can I say...

Far different from my filled-with-cheats/hacks/"hey n00b"/PK-filled Diablo experiences, what can I say.

If you want to try an MMORPG, give City of Heroes a try (and if you're on Pinnacle and see Memphis Bill, say hi.) If you don't want that, my housemate's been trying World of Warcraft and says much the same thing... the community rocks.

I suck.

Well, not entirely. I just have no ambition at the moment - not even to screw around with my hobby sites.

I wanted to seperate out the Gundam and other mecha from one of my modeling sites into their own site, since they were getting more space... and I just can't find a layout I like. Nor can I get CSS to do what I'm trying to do - and I can't figure out why.

That last bit pisses me off.

That, and I realized how bad my hobby page was to read, all of a sudden. Damn.

Losing contact

I've been trying to get in touch with a friend of mine from high school off and on - I think I mentioned him long ago. Anyway, he had a website with his resume and whatnot on, which I found with a "what the hell" search on Google.

Never did get in touch with him actually.

Well, he's still got the site, no resume - nothing, in fact, but some pictures. (Hey, your index is showing.) Just like Jules, he's got kids and a wife now (well, Julie has a husband, but either way, they're both married.)

I can't help but feel like I've wasted a lot of time, wasted what I was given. He's definitely taken advantage of the incredible mind he had, having done some engineering and management work, being able to start a family... me, I'm still in tech support, pissed off at how I can't seem to get out.

And I think I'm a bit jealous, since Leah and I can't have kids. I mean, we agreed we wouldn't, since she has MS and there's just no way she could care for them (since I'd be the only one working.) Short of winning the lottery, I don't think we'll be *able* to have kids and care for them... and I don't know that I have the temperment for fatherhood any more. I'm a crotchety thirty-two year old.

And to think in high school, it was one of the things I looked forward to.

Of course, part of this is also coming up thanks to my dad passing. I'm the youngest in my family by a decade. I'm going to be around to watch my brothers and sister die, barring an accident or major medical problem. I'm most likely going to outlive my wife, given how her body's been beaten up by MS. Yeah, maybe it's a selfish thought, but if I get like my dad, I'm going to end up in a fucking home somewhere. Who's going to come in and visit, say hi?

I don't want to end up alone.

In other news... the Iraqis voted today. Go you. Now stop the nutjobs doing the suicide bombings so the rest of things over there can get settled down and we can pull our troops out.

No idea why

... I had this going through my mind when I woke up. Just putting it here since it looked... interesting. Rather melodramatic, but interesting.

We are a creator race.
We are a destroyer race.
The same hands that create art,
Are those that build bombs.
The same lips that sing,
Curse
Not all creation is good.
Not all destruction is evil.

It sounds like it got cut off....

Surprise.

I'm rather proud of myself. I didn't go out and get a loan to buy a new Mac mini today. I'm *really* surprised at that.

Because, damn, I want one.

I did, however, do some computer shopping, replacing my 20 Gb boot drive with a 40 Gb drive. The 20 had a high pitched whine - it wasn't failing, it *always* had it.

It's much quieter now.

Late thoughts

Well, it's just past a week (as in, a few minutes past) since my dad died.

I'm sitting here printing out some of the digital photos from last Thanksgiving - one of Leah, one of Julie and her daughter, one of mom, dad, and me, and one of all my brothers and sister, my folks, and myself together.

And it hit me, that was the *last* time we'll all ever be together.

I mean, I knew it then, obviously, that it could be. But to have it go from a "could be" to a "was" is... well, it hits kind of hard. Did I make the most of the time? Did I have enough time with him? Was there *ever* really enough time?

Then I think, he was happy. He had all his kids around him, and *their* kids, and even some of *their* kids. He had everyone there, for *him.* He was comfortable, he knew he was loved, we were there to thank him and honor him...

I have to stop this now. You understand.

Argh... and lust

Well, once more, I got bent over and "scheduled" by Blue Pumpkin, our scheduling software at work. I fucking hate this thing. 5:30 one week, 7:30 the next (including saturday) which means the *following* schedule I'll probably be sent in at 5 AM on Sunday.

Whoever set this up needs to be skinned alive. It's bullshit.

On a happier note (and the reason I'll put up with it) - I *want* a Mac Mini. Badly. VERY nice.

How am I supposed to feel?

Well, my dad's been gone since Friday morning. I've been watching TV, out getting food and "stuff" (anime, magazines, a haircut) and am about to go up to visit a friend and fix her computer.

I know I said I was looking forward to being relieved about my dad's passing, and I am, but shouldn't I still be a little upset? Or something? I mean, I left work Friday barely holding it together, but I managed to most of the way home. I talked with family a little, but haven't called since then (and yes, I should, and probably will.)

But I don't seem to be upset. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and am going to sit there for several hours listening to people whine, on a lousy shift (7-4 - yeah, for someone who hates waking up early for the 5 AM shift, why am I complaining?) and will probably be just friggin' fine.

Is this normal?

And so it ends.

My father died this morning, a bit after 3 AM EST.

My brother woke up in time to hear him take his last breath, and let go...

Rest in peace, Dad. If there's a heaven, I know you're there.

Games

Yes, this is turning into "memories of Dad" week. I don't care.

I was reading through (and answering) a column about in-game music over on Diabloii.net, when I thought about "Starmaster," the old Activision game from the Atari 2600. (Not Star Raiders, no.) Anyway, it had this horrid sounding music (five notes, actually, which sounded more like armpit noises) that my dad would actually sing along with (usually a "bless your little heart" or something similar.) The first time he played that game, too, he put it on the harder difficulty (only two available on the 2600, pretty much.) I think he'd be a gamer if he were younger, definitely.

We had a lot of fun playing on that Atari. Combat - yep, many hours wasted. Taking turns on Air Raiders. Trying to get Atari Football figured out (with odd figures that looked like they were on a flat watermelon.) Once I had my first PC (not first computer, mind) we spent some time playing Monopoly- I don't recall if I'd had surgery or dental work... dental work, yeah. Anyway. Still my favourite version of Monopoly - the old DOS version from Virgin Interactive.

Then there's the board games. Yep, Parcheesi, Monopoly, Scrabble and backgammon were common, as was Uno. He tried to get me into playing poker, which I do on occasion, but I recall his bag of change he'd haul with him to play against Pat, Bev, Steve and whoever else would come for penny ante... Aunt bev died a while back, too. Guess you get to say "hi" again soon, huh, Dad.

How did we stop playing? I know we played scrabble a time or three in Florida, but... I kept to myself, I know. IT was just how I was. But I wish we'd played more. This seems to be the first part of your leaving that's hitting me, Dad - no more Scrabble, no more Uno, no time for any more games.

Yet I'll treasure those times we did have.

I can't think of anything more affectionate to call you than "Dad." It's simple, it's close and said with warmth and love... and I'm going to miss you, Dad.

I already do.

Slowly fading

Well, my dad's been resting today, or so I'm told. As in barely moving.

He has hospice care at home, 24 hours now... but it doesn't seem he'll need it long.

I hope it's quick. I hate to have him, and mom, going through this... I'll miss him, but I want it to go easy for them.

*sigh*

It's a gnu ear.

Wow, it was actually busy at work today... and I needed a nap. Had to deal with the new swipecard system. One day, and I already don't like it.

Oh well. Have to deal with it 'til I win the lottery. Or something.

Meanwhile, yes, my dad made it through the weekend. It's weird, I'm not sure at this point whether to be happy or not. I don't want him to just stick around, falling apart like he is... on the other hand, I don't want to see mom hurt, either. Then again, seeing him like this probably hurts at least as much, too - and the waiting can't help.

At least my brother and sister are down there...

Watched:
- Collateral. Great movie.
- Gundam SEED DVDs 7 and 8. Great series. These two are really strong.
- Evangelion 4 - I wish *these* were coming out two at a time. There's a reason this is one of the top anime series....