Losing contact

I've been trying to get in touch with a friend of mine from high school off and on - I think I mentioned him long ago. Anyway, he had a website with his resume and whatnot on, which I found with a "what the hell" search on Google.

Never did get in touch with him actually.

Well, he's still got the site, no resume - nothing, in fact, but some pictures. (Hey, your index is showing.) Just like Jules, he's got kids and a wife now (well, Julie has a husband, but either way, they're both married.)

I can't help but feel like I've wasted a lot of time, wasted what I was given. He's definitely taken advantage of the incredible mind he had, having done some engineering and management work, being able to start a family... me, I'm still in tech support, pissed off at how I can't seem to get out.

And I think I'm a bit jealous, since Leah and I can't have kids. I mean, we agreed we wouldn't, since she has MS and there's just no way she could care for them (since I'd be the only one working.) Short of winning the lottery, I don't think we'll be *able* to have kids and care for them... and I don't know that I have the temperment for fatherhood any more. I'm a crotchety thirty-two year old.

And to think in high school, it was one of the things I looked forward to.

Of course, part of this is also coming up thanks to my dad passing. I'm the youngest in my family by a decade. I'm going to be around to watch my brothers and sister die, barring an accident or major medical problem. I'm most likely going to outlive my wife, given how her body's been beaten up by MS. Yeah, maybe it's a selfish thought, but if I get like my dad, I'm going to end up in a fucking home somewhere. Who's going to come in and visit, say hi?

I don't want to end up alone.

In other news... the Iraqis voted today. Go you. Now stop the nutjobs doing the suicide bombings so the rest of things over there can get settled down and we can pull our troops out.

No idea why

... I had this going through my mind when I woke up. Just putting it here since it looked... interesting. Rather melodramatic, but interesting.

We are a creator race.
We are a destroyer race.
The same hands that create art,
Are those that build bombs.
The same lips that sing,
Curse
Not all creation is good.
Not all destruction is evil.

It sounds like it got cut off....

Surprise.

I'm rather proud of myself. I didn't go out and get a loan to buy a new Mac mini today. I'm *really* surprised at that.

Because, damn, I want one.

I did, however, do some computer shopping, replacing my 20 Gb boot drive with a 40 Gb drive. The 20 had a high pitched whine - it wasn't failing, it *always* had it.

It's much quieter now.

Late thoughts

Well, it's just past a week (as in, a few minutes past) since my dad died.

I'm sitting here printing out some of the digital photos from last Thanksgiving - one of Leah, one of Julie and her daughter, one of mom, dad, and me, and one of all my brothers and sister, my folks, and myself together.

And it hit me, that was the *last* time we'll all ever be together.

I mean, I knew it then, obviously, that it could be. But to have it go from a "could be" to a "was" is... well, it hits kind of hard. Did I make the most of the time? Did I have enough time with him? Was there *ever* really enough time?

Then I think, he was happy. He had all his kids around him, and *their* kids, and even some of *their* kids. He had everyone there, for *him.* He was comfortable, he knew he was loved, we were there to thank him and honor him...

I have to stop this now. You understand.

Argh... and lust

Well, once more, I got bent over and "scheduled" by Blue Pumpkin, our scheduling software at work. I fucking hate this thing. 5:30 one week, 7:30 the next (including saturday) which means the *following* schedule I'll probably be sent in at 5 AM on Sunday.

Whoever set this up needs to be skinned alive. It's bullshit.

On a happier note (and the reason I'll put up with it) - I *want* a Mac Mini. Badly. VERY nice.

How am I supposed to feel?

Well, my dad's been gone since Friday morning. I've been watching TV, out getting food and "stuff" (anime, magazines, a haircut) and am about to go up to visit a friend and fix her computer.

I know I said I was looking forward to being relieved about my dad's passing, and I am, but shouldn't I still be a little upset? Or something? I mean, I left work Friday barely holding it together, but I managed to most of the way home. I talked with family a little, but haven't called since then (and yes, I should, and probably will.)

But I don't seem to be upset. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and am going to sit there for several hours listening to people whine, on a lousy shift (7-4 - yeah, for someone who hates waking up early for the 5 AM shift, why am I complaining?) and will probably be just friggin' fine.

Is this normal?

And so it ends.

My father died this morning, a bit after 3 AM EST.

My brother woke up in time to hear him take his last breath, and let go...

Rest in peace, Dad. If there's a heaven, I know you're there.

Games

Yes, this is turning into "memories of Dad" week. I don't care.

I was reading through (and answering) a column about in-game music over on Diabloii.net, when I thought about "Starmaster," the old Activision game from the Atari 2600. (Not Star Raiders, no.) Anyway, it had this horrid sounding music (five notes, actually, which sounded more like armpit noises) that my dad would actually sing along with (usually a "bless your little heart" or something similar.) The first time he played that game, too, he put it on the harder difficulty (only two available on the 2600, pretty much.) I think he'd be a gamer if he were younger, definitely.

We had a lot of fun playing on that Atari. Combat - yep, many hours wasted. Taking turns on Air Raiders. Trying to get Atari Football figured out (with odd figures that looked like they were on a flat watermelon.) Once I had my first PC (not first computer, mind) we spent some time playing Monopoly- I don't recall if I'd had surgery or dental work... dental work, yeah. Anyway. Still my favourite version of Monopoly - the old DOS version from Virgin Interactive.

Then there's the board games. Yep, Parcheesi, Monopoly, Scrabble and backgammon were common, as was Uno. He tried to get me into playing poker, which I do on occasion, but I recall his bag of change he'd haul with him to play against Pat, Bev, Steve and whoever else would come for penny ante... Aunt bev died a while back, too. Guess you get to say "hi" again soon, huh, Dad.

How did we stop playing? I know we played scrabble a time or three in Florida, but... I kept to myself, I know. IT was just how I was. But I wish we'd played more. This seems to be the first part of your leaving that's hitting me, Dad - no more Scrabble, no more Uno, no time for any more games.

Yet I'll treasure those times we did have.

I can't think of anything more affectionate to call you than "Dad." It's simple, it's close and said with warmth and love... and I'm going to miss you, Dad.

I already do.

Slowly fading

Well, my dad's been resting today, or so I'm told. As in barely moving.

He has hospice care at home, 24 hours now... but it doesn't seem he'll need it long.

I hope it's quick. I hate to have him, and mom, going through this... I'll miss him, but I want it to go easy for them.

*sigh*

It's a gnu ear.

Wow, it was actually busy at work today... and I needed a nap. Had to deal with the new swipecard system. One day, and I already don't like it.

Oh well. Have to deal with it 'til I win the lottery. Or something.

Meanwhile, yes, my dad made it through the weekend. It's weird, I'm not sure at this point whether to be happy or not. I don't want him to just stick around, falling apart like he is... on the other hand, I don't want to see mom hurt, either. Then again, seeing him like this probably hurts at least as much, too - and the waiting can't help.

At least my brother and sister are down there...

Watched:
- Collateral. Great movie.
- Gundam SEED DVDs 7 and 8. Great series. These two are really strong.
- Evangelion 4 - I wish *these* were coming out two at a time. There's a reason this is one of the top anime series....