Wow. Long time, no update

Yeah. Haven't been back here for a bit. Let's see, what's up.

- Haven't worked in months. This sucks. Lack of money. Blah. BUT...
- Have been playing City of Heroes. If you haven't played this, play it. And get City of Villains when it comes out, too. No increase in monthly fee for that. :)
- I seem to be in better shape. At the worst, I wasn't able to walk down to the damn mailbox and back without being sore... I can now.

OK, bigger stuff...
Going down to see the wife for our anniversary. We've lived apart for over two years now. Why are we even calling ourselves married? Moved up here because taking care of her was driving me in-fucking-sane with stress, lack of money, the works. Her mom's been taking care of her. The gub'mint (yeah, yeah) said I can't be paid to take care of her. We planned on divorcing.

Well, now, I can. get paid that is. And she wants me to move back to coos-fucking-bay. We'll just call it CFB for short. Know what's in CFB? Jack Shit. One mall that's half empty. No decent restaraunts. Two half-ass movie theaters. Ton of churches. Which are probably empty because most of the population is high on something (meth being the biggest industry there.) And she fucking wants me to move back, in her mom's house, take care of her, and get a fucking job THERE (of which there ARE none besides Walmart, and even that's hard to get because that's where the crackheads that aren't stealing everything get their meth fundage.)

The town is depressed. Not just economically. But you drive into fucking town and already just want to kill yourself.

Why the fuck does she want me to come down there and... STAY? Oh, did I mention their gas is typically 20 to 30 cents MORE per gallon than Eugene, or here? And their on a highway. Not theInterstate, but not something hard to get to. They get gouged. I'm surprised the fucking town can WALK being bent over and reamed on *everything* (not just gas) the way they are.

And to a techhead like me... fuck, no. The one actual "computer store" there gets reamed, and passes the reaming on to customers. Example, GeForce FX5200. Can get them for under $50. They want nearly $90. Saw a card I priced for between $75-$100 listed for OVER $250. As far as net access, ONE trunk coming out. It goes down (like it does about twice a year,) not only does the net access disappear, but banks and businesses can't do jack with things like, oh, credit cards, atm cards...

Y'know, we had THE PLAN. Get divorced, move, move back in, I get paid to care for her, her mom moves back east... The Plan is now hosed. I'm not sure I want to stay married... I don't *feel* married. I'm not interested in anyone else or anything like that, but... I've gotten used to being essentially single. Keep my hours. Talk to anyone. Go out when I want to do what I want, not skip a movie because flickering could put her into siezure, or it gets too warm, or she can't eat this or that or needs meds, or can't walk, or....

I know, I'm a fucking heartless bastard. No, I'm not. I finally HAVE myself again. I am my own person again. But how do I tell her we should split, that I don't *want* to give up my life again, that...

See, she's afraid of ending up alone, or in a home. I don't blame her. I don't want that for her *either.* All our friends (save 1-2) are up this way or north. We game. We talk. We hang out... and she wants to pull me away from that instead of her coming up and becoming part of the group again. *I* don't want to leave her alone. And truth be told, I'm horrid at meeting folks, and am frightened of ending up alone as well... but ...

I guess I just don't know what to do. One way means leaving everything and everyone BUT her and ... just losing myself again, becoming nobody, a golem to care for her. The other way means...what? I'm myself, but she's alone and probably depressed (a problem for her) - and I end up feeling like a bastard, and a failure, and guilty when she suicides (something she has tried in the past.)

Everything I want to say just ends up sounding selfish and petty... but if you haven't been here... Take food shopping now. I don't have a heck of a lot of money, but I can buy cheap. Bunch of TV dinners, just pick what looks good. Pizza or two. Just stuff. It looks good, I like it, I can eat it. Shopping with her? Well, she can't eat this. Or that. Allergic to that. That doesn't mix well with meds. That brand seems to cause problems. There are like five things that I can buy. Or take "life" right now. I can TAKE an hour-odd drive to see folks, hang out 'til 3 AM, drink if I'm not driving, crash there if I do drink, come back and crash at home otherwise 'til 2 in the afternoon... with her, I can't. She *has* to eat at certian times. She can't stay up late - no energy to. If she falls asleep at 9 or 10, well... kinda keeps her out of gaming. Half the time we don't get STARTED 'til 8 or later. Right now, I can decide "Oh, I need this or that," hop in the car and get it. With her I have to worry she'll need medical attention. I can be driving down the street and, if it gets warm, oh well, that's what a window's for. It causes her to go into siezures. I can decide to stop and buy, oh, Mexican for lunch. Drive home and stop somewhere along th eway because "ooh, want to check to see if book.magazine/video/game is in" and stay and browse.... with her, I can't.

Like I said, it sounds so selfish of me... but it's stuff like that that does make life, not just existance...

I just don't fucking know what to do any more.