Losing contact

I've been trying to get in touch with a friend of mine from high school off and on - I think I mentioned him long ago. Anyway, he had a website with his resume and whatnot on, which I found with a "what the hell" search on Google.

Never did get in touch with him actually.

Well, he's still got the site, no resume - nothing, in fact, but some pictures. (Hey, your index is showing.) Just like Jules, he's got kids and a wife now (well, Julie has a husband, but either way, they're both married.)

I can't help but feel like I've wasted a lot of time, wasted what I was given. He's definitely taken advantage of the incredible mind he had, having done some engineering and management work, being able to start a family... me, I'm still in tech support, pissed off at how I can't seem to get out.

And I think I'm a bit jealous, since Leah and I can't have kids. I mean, we agreed we wouldn't, since she has MS and there's just no way she could care for them (since I'd be the only one working.) Short of winning the lottery, I don't think we'll be *able* to have kids and care for them... and I don't know that I have the temperment for fatherhood any more. I'm a crotchety thirty-two year old.

And to think in high school, it was one of the things I looked forward to.

Of course, part of this is also coming up thanks to my dad passing. I'm the youngest in my family by a decade. I'm going to be around to watch my brothers and sister die, barring an accident or major medical problem. I'm most likely going to outlive my wife, given how her body's been beaten up by MS. Yeah, maybe it's a selfish thought, but if I get like my dad, I'm going to end up in a fucking home somewhere. Who's going to come in and visit, say hi?

I don't want to end up alone.

In other news... the Iraqis voted today. Go you. Now stop the nutjobs doing the suicide bombings so the rest of things over there can get settled down and we can pull our troops out.

No idea why

... I had this going through my mind when I woke up. Just putting it here since it looked... interesting. Rather melodramatic, but interesting.

We are a creator race.
We are a destroyer race.
The same hands that create art,
Are those that build bombs.
The same lips that sing,
Curse
Not all creation is good.
Not all destruction is evil.

It sounds like it got cut off....

Surprise.

I'm rather proud of myself. I didn't go out and get a loan to buy a new Mac mini today. I'm *really* surprised at that.

Because, damn, I want one.

I did, however, do some computer shopping, replacing my 20 Gb boot drive with a 40 Gb drive. The 20 had a high pitched whine - it wasn't failing, it *always* had it.

It's much quieter now.

Late thoughts

Well, it's just past a week (as in, a few minutes past) since my dad died.

I'm sitting here printing out some of the digital photos from last Thanksgiving - one of Leah, one of Julie and her daughter, one of mom, dad, and me, and one of all my brothers and sister, my folks, and myself together.

And it hit me, that was the *last* time we'll all ever be together.

I mean, I knew it then, obviously, that it could be. But to have it go from a "could be" to a "was" is... well, it hits kind of hard. Did I make the most of the time? Did I have enough time with him? Was there *ever* really enough time?

Then I think, he was happy. He had all his kids around him, and *their* kids, and even some of *their* kids. He had everyone there, for *him.* He was comfortable, he knew he was loved, we were there to thank him and honor him...

I have to stop this now. You understand.

Argh... and lust

Well, once more, I got bent over and "scheduled" by Blue Pumpkin, our scheduling software at work. I fucking hate this thing. 5:30 one week, 7:30 the next (including saturday) which means the *following* schedule I'll probably be sent in at 5 AM on Sunday.

Whoever set this up needs to be skinned alive. It's bullshit.

On a happier note (and the reason I'll put up with it) - I *want* a Mac Mini. Badly. VERY nice.