How am I supposed to feel?

Well, my dad's been gone since Friday morning. I've been watching TV, out getting food and "stuff" (anime, magazines, a haircut) and am about to go up to visit a friend and fix her computer.

I know I said I was looking forward to being relieved about my dad's passing, and I am, but shouldn't I still be a little upset? Or something? I mean, I left work Friday barely holding it together, but I managed to most of the way home. I talked with family a little, but haven't called since then (and yes, I should, and probably will.)

But I don't seem to be upset. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and am going to sit there for several hours listening to people whine, on a lousy shift (7-4 - yeah, for someone who hates waking up early for the 5 AM shift, why am I complaining?) and will probably be just friggin' fine.

Is this normal?

And so it ends.

My father died this morning, a bit after 3 AM EST.

My brother woke up in time to hear him take his last breath, and let go...

Rest in peace, Dad. If there's a heaven, I know you're there.

Games

Yes, this is turning into "memories of Dad" week. I don't care.

I was reading through (and answering) a column about in-game music over on Diabloii.net, when I thought about "Starmaster," the old Activision game from the Atari 2600. (Not Star Raiders, no.) Anyway, it had this horrid sounding music (five notes, actually, which sounded more like armpit noises) that my dad would actually sing along with (usually a "bless your little heart" or something similar.) The first time he played that game, too, he put it on the harder difficulty (only two available on the 2600, pretty much.) I think he'd be a gamer if he were younger, definitely.

We had a lot of fun playing on that Atari. Combat - yep, many hours wasted. Taking turns on Air Raiders. Trying to get Atari Football figured out (with odd figures that looked like they were on a flat watermelon.) Once I had my first PC (not first computer, mind) we spent some time playing Monopoly- I don't recall if I'd had surgery or dental work... dental work, yeah. Anyway. Still my favourite version of Monopoly - the old DOS version from Virgin Interactive.

Then there's the board games. Yep, Parcheesi, Monopoly, Scrabble and backgammon were common, as was Uno. He tried to get me into playing poker, which I do on occasion, but I recall his bag of change he'd haul with him to play against Pat, Bev, Steve and whoever else would come for penny ante... Aunt bev died a while back, too. Guess you get to say "hi" again soon, huh, Dad.

How did we stop playing? I know we played scrabble a time or three in Florida, but... I kept to myself, I know. IT was just how I was. But I wish we'd played more. This seems to be the first part of your leaving that's hitting me, Dad - no more Scrabble, no more Uno, no time for any more games.

Yet I'll treasure those times we did have.

I can't think of anything more affectionate to call you than "Dad." It's simple, it's close and said with warmth and love... and I'm going to miss you, Dad.

I already do.

Slowly fading

Well, my dad's been resting today, or so I'm told. As in barely moving.

He has hospice care at home, 24 hours now... but it doesn't seem he'll need it long.

I hope it's quick. I hate to have him, and mom, going through this... I'll miss him, but I want it to go easy for them.

*sigh*

It's a gnu ear.

Wow, it was actually busy at work today... and I needed a nap. Had to deal with the new swipecard system. One day, and I already don't like it.

Oh well. Have to deal with it 'til I win the lottery. Or something.

Meanwhile, yes, my dad made it through the weekend. It's weird, I'm not sure at this point whether to be happy or not. I don't want him to just stick around, falling apart like he is... on the other hand, I don't want to see mom hurt, either. Then again, seeing him like this probably hurts at least as much, too - and the waiting can't help.

At least my brother and sister are down there...

Watched:
- Collateral. Great movie.
- Gundam SEED DVDs 7 and 8. Great series. These two are really strong.
- Evangelion 4 - I wish *these* were coming out two at a time. There's a reason this is one of the top anime series....