Ten years

Dear Leah,

Last Sunday, it was a decade since our divorce. 

We didn't leave on good terms - I still don't know what happened there, where the only way to get a smile from you was to be in public, which happened rarely. I still suspect it was your mother's influence. 

I came back, initialy, to fill out the paperwork and because we'd talked about me still being around to help you. That was the plan. Then you treated me like you did, and I left - losing most of what was in storage because I just couldn't be around that. 

We talked, after a few short months while I was trying to find my feet, only to have our calls turn into demands from you for money - first asking,t hen demanding, as though you still had some right to it. I heard the calls afterward, asking why I wasn't answering, why I wouldn't talk to you and the "I don't know why" ... and maybe you didn't. But after you got to demands, well... we were divorced and ti was time to cut that off. I didn't need it. It was hard enough for me. 

I fought for years, fought feeling like I'd failed, like I'd abandoned you. Fought anger against you and about you. And your mother. Missed you. Thought about looking you up, finding your number and calling... but no. 

I found myself, those years, wondering many things. How much of things were true. I'd wanted kids, it sounded like you did too, and I found myself glad we'd never had them... though our first, had it come to term, would probably be ready to graduate high school by now. 

I do, on occasion, still wonder how you are. We were married for years, it's natural. I wonder if you actually remember me - I don't know what shape your mind is in, given the various problems. Or how much what memories have been shaped by your mother. I wonder how true what you remember is And almost hope you don't remember, rather than have a whirl of tainted ones mixed with untruths. 

I wonder if you went through the same things - the hurt, the hate, the wondering. And how you dealt with them. 

But ten years on, Leah, I just hope you're well. And happy. You were my wife, my friend, and will always hold a special spot because of that. 

Happy anniversary, such as it is. Live well. 
-Eric