Life?

I love my wife.

No, there's no surprise or qualifier there. I love my wife.

I do wonder what's going to happen to me, and to us, though. We've got more going on than usual - she's got MS, I'm in debt (partially because of trying to care for her) - I don't see retirement in 35 years, I no longer have a plan for my life... which is fine, I suppose. It's been thrown off so much...

I can't plan, though. I have friends out here on the west coast now - some of whom I'm staying with, because my wife and I have to be seperated so she can be cared for. Nothing bad, just government, bureaucratic bullshit. Me, I'd like to be back home in Wisconsin, seeing friends I've not seen in far too many years, with my own business... though I think I'd be single - alone is a much more fitting word in this case - if that's where I was.

I hate being torn. I hate the uncertainty my life has now, and will have for many years (short of winning the lottery.) The career I thought I'd have is gone. I couldn't draft my way out of a paper bag at the moment - and I am really getting sick of tech support. I worked on a website for a friend - I do NOT want to do that for a living.

So what DO I want to do? It's something I've been having to ask myself a few times over the last few years. I don't want to get stuck in the no-future, no-guarantee tech support world, where your job can be shipped to India right out from under you and you deal with thoroughly unappreciative, demanding people...

So, I have to reassess myself. I *would* like to have my own business, frankly. Yes, the taxes would be a pain in the ass, and I doubt I'd become a millionaire, but... I wouldn't mind.

I just don't know where to start.

Or how my wife, or the rest of my life, would fit in with this. Will I lose it again when my wife's condition (MS) gets worse? Will I be able to deal with it when she dies? Will I be able to deal with it when she *doesn't* die, but needs care even more than she does now?

I really don't know...

I hate not knowing. OK, nobody knows the future, but I hate not being able to say "Well, we can be reasonably sure things will go this way, with one or two major bumps possible in the next 5 years."

I don't know where I'll *be* in 5 years. I don't know if I'll be married, if Leah will be with me, what shape she'll be in...

How do I deal with this?